March 21st, 2022
In my house my brother and I try to split the dish washing duties, but I have always felt that I have done my part and some by covering for him. One night as I put on the rubber gloves in preparation to combat the dishes from dinner, a familiar thought popped into my head.
"My brother doesn't appreciate how much I do this."
Granted, washing the dishes doesn't necessarily call for explicit appreciation, but I did feel that my brother took it for granted at times.
I write about this because today, while riding the bus, an idea came into my head.
"I should give my brother my MacBook after I graduate."
It was a good idea. I've enjoyed using my laptop and I think he would appreciate it. Work would give me a laptop so I really wouldn't need both. Feeling pleased with myself, I gave myself a pat on the back for being very brotherly.
But then I thought about it some more. Was this really something worth praising myself for?
My family has always been giving to me, but have I been doing the same? How many times has my brother asked me if I wanted anything from the restaurant? How many times has my dad done chores while I was out of the house? How early does my mom wake up to make breakfast so that I can eat right away and make it to school? I have missed these actions and many others, as they are so naturally woven into the fabric of our family.
I realized that for a long time I've had this unfounded idea that I'm extremely selfless toward my family. But in the same way my brother may not know that I wash the dishes when it's his turn, I may not know what he does for me. Of course, this goes for my parents as well, and extends to my friends. This ephiphany was particularly sobbering because I have always considered empathy and selflessness as two of my stronger traits.
By quantifying my selflessness I have debased it, for being selfess in the expectation of others doing the same is, in a way, selfish. That is not to say that this "warped" selflessness is wrong by any means - if you do a good deed only for self-gratification, at the end of the day it is still a good deed. Instead this dissonance is about my attitude toward being selfless.
There is no reason to contemplate how much or little somebody is doing. Measuring selflessness defeats the purpose of being selfless. Even if I am the most selfless person in the world, it should be because of love for my family, not for a sense of self-sastisfaction.
Doing the dishes a few extra times here and there isn't so bad after all.